Here is an example of 2 schools of thought that completely contradict each other.
"It's not right to judge one another" and "We are known by the company we keep". Both have pro's and con's.
We all have our own individual thoughts and beliefs of how we choose those we surround ourselves with. Myself personally I most certainly look at a person's character, personality, and what we have in common before I consider taking on any level of relationship with them.
So in a way, yes we do have to "judge" a person before I enter into a relationship. Because of my beliefs and life experience there are just inevitably some people who just would not make it past round 1 with me. We all can say that, right? I mean would any of us really be best friends with anyone who is a convicted, sitting on death row, serial killer?
Now beyond that, we all have those check lists of things that would probably be a deal breakers and none of us would have the exact same list. But here is the tricky part, what happens when people change and they no longer pass the test? I have had that happen to me a few times over the last few years as I began to really have the nerve to say that some people just don't fit my ideals anymore. I have walked away from relationships that became toxic, their priorites I just didn't agree with, and recently when their lives became too drama-filled for me to be tolerant with. I didn't cry much about it, if at all, because I changed, they changed, and it didnt work for my life and what kind of example I wanted to set for my son. I also ended it because that person became the kind of person I wanted to be associated with, or I didn't begin one because of the same reason.
So it may not be up to me to judge, but it is up to me to be mindful of the company I keep.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Beyond frustrated
I wish i could post something fun, insightful, and cheery. But this is real life and sometimes you get the rose-colored glasses yanked off and you have to look straight at the dirty, nasty, smelly stuff that becomes part of our reality.
The last few weeks have been hard. Financially its been rough and doesnt look as if its going to get any better for awhile. The ex up and lost his job and now that means I have no idea when child support will be paid again, which hurts an already tight budget. He already owes me well over $1000.00 in back owed support and this will just add to that growing number. Yes, I have had to deal with this beautiful little problem more than once before but what really annoys me is that with at least the child support he was having some responsibility as a parent, but now that is gone too. We are talking about a man (and I use that term loosely for obvious reasons) who has very little if anything to do with his son. No phone calls, no letters, or emails, not a single birthday card in 10 years and only 1 Christmas gift that he got 3 months AFTER Christmas.
Needless to say this ticks me off in ways words cant even begin to describe. Then throw in after nearly 2 years Nathan FINALLY got him to finally pick up the phone when he called. A phone call that lasted not even 5 minutes. Classic.
So now I have a child who is feeling completly rejected by his own father, who is stuggling in school, who has family less than 45 minutes away and yet is rarely seen by any of them, and who is at this point is so painfully aware of what I have tried to shelter from him that he is asking for nothing for his birthday and Christmas, knowing that the people who should be there to celebrate with him can't be bothered to do so.
This is totally unfair to a child who loves unconditionally, who has a heart of gold, and just wants to be happy and have fun growing up. And I am just as broken hearted as he is, knowing that everything I planned for his life growing up has been taken away from him.
The last few weeks have been hard. Financially its been rough and doesnt look as if its going to get any better for awhile. The ex up and lost his job and now that means I have no idea when child support will be paid again, which hurts an already tight budget. He already owes me well over $1000.00 in back owed support and this will just add to that growing number. Yes, I have had to deal with this beautiful little problem more than once before but what really annoys me is that with at least the child support he was having some responsibility as a parent, but now that is gone too. We are talking about a man (and I use that term loosely for obvious reasons) who has very little if anything to do with his son. No phone calls, no letters, or emails, not a single birthday card in 10 years and only 1 Christmas gift that he got 3 months AFTER Christmas.
Needless to say this ticks me off in ways words cant even begin to describe. Then throw in after nearly 2 years Nathan FINALLY got him to finally pick up the phone when he called. A phone call that lasted not even 5 minutes. Classic.
So now I have a child who is feeling completly rejected by his own father, who is stuggling in school, who has family less than 45 minutes away and yet is rarely seen by any of them, and who is at this point is so painfully aware of what I have tried to shelter from him that he is asking for nothing for his birthday and Christmas, knowing that the people who should be there to celebrate with him can't be bothered to do so.
This is totally unfair to a child who loves unconditionally, who has a heart of gold, and just wants to be happy and have fun growing up. And I am just as broken hearted as he is, knowing that everything I planned for his life growing up has been taken away from him.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Strange happenings as I sleep
I have always been one who was fascinated by dreams and their possible "meanings" if that is even a real possibility... that our subconscious was trying to relay a message to us.
I remember as a child I was always having dreams about trying to run away from something, but as I began to run I suddenly had very short legs and my attempt to escape was nearly impossible because of it. I have read books and attempted to decyper the code of this particular kind of dream but tended to get various "answers" to the real meaning, if there is one. Over the years I have consulted many times a dreamers dictionary to get the defination of various dreams, only to be more entertained than truly informed.
Reoccuring dreams for the most part the ones that facinate me the most because its like my subconscious is really trying to tell me something. The one I have been having over and over again the last several months is one of me being either being pregnant or having a baby.
Now before any of you go jumping on the "OMG! Could you really be pregnant?" bandwagon, let me assure you with 1001% certanity that I am absolutly, completly, without a shred of doubt NOT PREGNANT at all! I know the birds and the bees story and I promise you that there is not a chance of that being the case.
So last night I have this dream that I am in the home where I grew up and I wake up one morning having just managed to have a baby in my sleep (aparently in my dream I have the inhumanly high threshold of pain having slept through labor and delivery, something I can tell you could not happen for me in real life at all!) and just was like "wow, okay this is cool, my husband is going to be so excited that I just popped this thing out!" So I get up and go to take a shower when I realize this newborn is like the size of a 4 month old baby! So not only have I given birth in my sleep, but pushed out a kid the size of a turkey!
Apparently my subconscious also thinks I am SuperWoman.
Then my "husband" comes home (who was dressed in Army BDU's so am I married to Kendall, Chris, or Harvey in this dream?) and we start debating baby names, he wants to name her Isabella, I beg to name her Reneesme. You know dang well this just proves that my brain is Twilight saturated. We finally agree to call her Isabella Reneesme. Just because we are cool like that.
So I wake up and I am trying to figure out why am I have another baby dream? Why do they keep coming in these random ways? What is the deeper meaning to this kind of thing?
And if I am going to give birth to a Twilight character, then why gosh darn it isn't Jasper my husband in the dream?
I remember as a child I was always having dreams about trying to run away from something, but as I began to run I suddenly had very short legs and my attempt to escape was nearly impossible because of it. I have read books and attempted to decyper the code of this particular kind of dream but tended to get various "answers" to the real meaning, if there is one. Over the years I have consulted many times a dreamers dictionary to get the defination of various dreams, only to be more entertained than truly informed.
Reoccuring dreams for the most part the ones that facinate me the most because its like my subconscious is really trying to tell me something. The one I have been having over and over again the last several months is one of me being either being pregnant or having a baby.
Now before any of you go jumping on the "OMG! Could you really be pregnant?" bandwagon, let me assure you with 1001% certanity that I am absolutly, completly, without a shred of doubt NOT PREGNANT at all! I know the birds and the bees story and I promise you that there is not a chance of that being the case.
So last night I have this dream that I am in the home where I grew up and I wake up one morning having just managed to have a baby in my sleep (aparently in my dream I have the inhumanly high threshold of pain having slept through labor and delivery, something I can tell you could not happen for me in real life at all!) and just was like "wow, okay this is cool, my husband is going to be so excited that I just popped this thing out!" So I get up and go to take a shower when I realize this newborn is like the size of a 4 month old baby! So not only have I given birth in my sleep, but pushed out a kid the size of a turkey!
Apparently my subconscious also thinks I am SuperWoman.
Then my "husband" comes home (who was dressed in Army BDU's so am I married to Kendall, Chris, or Harvey in this dream?) and we start debating baby names, he wants to name her Isabella, I beg to name her Reneesme. You know dang well this just proves that my brain is Twilight saturated. We finally agree to call her Isabella Reneesme. Just because we are cool like that.
So I wake up and I am trying to figure out why am I have another baby dream? Why do they keep coming in these random ways? What is the deeper meaning to this kind of thing?
And if I am going to give birth to a Twilight character, then why gosh darn it isn't Jasper my husband in the dream?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
10 Questions
1. What is your dream vacation?
A week in New Orleans, I wanted to go there so much while I was living in Louisiana, but unfortunatly I only saw it in passing as I was leaving the state to move here. Just to see the French Quarter, see the historical spots, eat the food would be awesome.
2. What has been your favorite trip so far in your life?
Going back home this past summer. I never really appreciated how amazing Washington is until I left. To be in Seattle, to be in the waters of the Puget Sound and the Pacific Ocean, and to have places to be yourself is such a treasure. While the mountains of western North Carolina are beautiful, it doesn't compare the the life I could have there.
3. If you and one of your best friends could go anywhere in the world for one week, where would it be and why?
I think Misty, Denise, Sabrina, Dawn, and whomever else we can get and lets just go lay on a beach somewhere with cabana MEN!
4. Have you ever booked a trip using an online deal? How did it go?
I did on my trip to Washington, got some good deals!
5. What’s your favorite thing to do while you’re on vacation?
Find historial places and learn that history.
6. Have you ever missed an opportunity to take a trip that you regret?
In high school I could have gone to Russia for 2 weeks and I so wanted to go, Dad said no. Probably thought I would be kidnapped and sold on the black market with a pair of Levi's.
7. You travel far away from home and get stranded with no way to buy anything, what’s the one thing you can’t live without?
Toothbrush!
8. What’s one of your favorite traveling memories?
All of the road trips with my dad. I swear we were the inspiration for the National Lamphoon Vacation because we always had some incident on the road.
9. All included resort or backpacking? Why?
All included resort, because I would love a spa day and because I am not a big fan of dirt.
10. Are you more of a lie on the beach kind of person on vacation, or do you prefer to see the sights?
I am a sucker for history, so let me find a tour guide.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Just trying to be the "bridge"
Last week our music minister, Randall, came to do the Devotion we have at work every Wednesday morning. I am so glad our Interim Director suggested this idea a few months ago and it has been an amazing way for those of us who work there to take time out of our crazy, busy, and sometimes draining work week to stop what we are doing for a few minutes to get some much needed words of encouragement. This last week Randall really knocked it out of the ballpark with his message.
Yes I know he is MY pastor, you might call me a bit biased in my opinion then. But seriously he was awesome and made me really proud to be a member of The Grove.
One thing he spoke about was that in our work, we serve as a "bridge" between the people we help every day and the programs and services that we have available to our community. I had never really thought about it that way but once he said it, it made perfect sense. I find myself repeating that to myself so many times now. I am so grateful that overall my part of the job is rewarding and most people are very appreciative of what we all try to do for them. Some don't and that can make for a tough day, but it only takes one person to come out with that look of joy or relief to make it all worth while. Sometimes a simple "thank you" can make it a much better day for us.
But outside of work I see how being a "bridge" to my friends and family is just as rewarding. I try to always remember that when someone calls on me where I can help, that it is pleasing in the eyes of God for me to do so and therefore, I always try to be that for them.
Then there are the times where my good intentions was that road straight to h-e-double hockey sticks. It just sucks when you can't see the difference before you go diving in that pool of "good intentions"
I finally figured out that for me the best way to tell the difference is look at the situation. If someone runs into hard times, or difficult situations that were unavoidable, or not by their own doing then yes, we need to do what we can to lift them up and help them out, because what if that was you or I, would we not look for the help and hope that someone was there for us?
Then I see those who just continually make bad choices and don't learn from it (What is that saying, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results?") People who say and do things that makes their lives a mess, but blame anyone else for the pickle they have got themselves into.
There is where I draw the line. I have to remember that what I do not only affects me, but this young man that God has in trusted to me to care for, protect, and raise. If I spend one minute, one dollar, or one bead of sweat on someone or something that is just going to be a waste of my time, then I have taken it away from myself and him. That's not cool in my book.
So yea, Ill be the bridge, just remember drive all the way across and have a good destination once you get to the other side.
Yes I know he is MY pastor, you might call me a bit biased in my opinion then. But seriously he was awesome and made me really proud to be a member of The Grove.
One thing he spoke about was that in our work, we serve as a "bridge" between the people we help every day and the programs and services that we have available to our community. I had never really thought about it that way but once he said it, it made perfect sense. I find myself repeating that to myself so many times now. I am so grateful that overall my part of the job is rewarding and most people are very appreciative of what we all try to do for them. Some don't and that can make for a tough day, but it only takes one person to come out with that look of joy or relief to make it all worth while. Sometimes a simple "thank you" can make it a much better day for us.
But outside of work I see how being a "bridge" to my friends and family is just as rewarding. I try to always remember that when someone calls on me where I can help, that it is pleasing in the eyes of God for me to do so and therefore, I always try to be that for them.
Then there are the times where my good intentions was that road straight to h-e-double hockey sticks. It just sucks when you can't see the difference before you go diving in that pool of "good intentions"
I finally figured out that for me the best way to tell the difference is look at the situation. If someone runs into hard times, or difficult situations that were unavoidable, or not by their own doing then yes, we need to do what we can to lift them up and help them out, because what if that was you or I, would we not look for the help and hope that someone was there for us?
Then I see those who just continually make bad choices and don't learn from it (What is that saying, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results?") People who say and do things that makes their lives a mess, but blame anyone else for the pickle they have got themselves into.
There is where I draw the line. I have to remember that what I do not only affects me, but this young man that God has in trusted to me to care for, protect, and raise. If I spend one minute, one dollar, or one bead of sweat on someone or something that is just going to be a waste of my time, then I have taken it away from myself and him. That's not cool in my book.
So yea, Ill be the bridge, just remember drive all the way across and have a good destination once you get to the other side.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Sunday Sermon
There are so many reasons I flat out love my church. Yes, of course the people there are awesome and I have never felt so welcome and accepted for who I am ever before. But I really love it because my pastor, Jeff, can preach the word in a way that really makes you think and makes it real world relevant.
Growing up my father was Mormon and as a child that is where I went to worship until my parents divorced. I was blessed as a infant in the Mormon church and I still have memories of it. I remember not being able to really understand what was being taught, but I remember having the bread and juice passed down the pews (wow snacks in church, yay!) and for some reason I can recall sitting in my Sunday school class and discovering I could stretch my foot to my mouth and chew on my black patient leather shoe. Why I remember that I have no idea.
After my parents divorced, my mom sent me to a traditional Southern Baptist church for awhile, but the kids were mean and I didnt like it. So I stopped going until I was an adult. It was in 1996 when I went back to a Southern Baptist church and was baptized into the faith on Easter Sunday of 1997 and I have been in church pretty much since then.
So today Jeff's sermon really hit on alot of things that I have seen over the years. One thing that has always boggled my mind is I had never in my life heard of churches "splitting" until I moved here. Its a concept that I just don't get the reasoning behind. If a church just doesn't work for a person or family anymore just gracefully depart and go elsewhere. This idea of congregations fighting and dividing seems so counterproductive.
Like Jeff said God and the Bible are the final authority in how we live our lives and how the church sets the standards that we need to all need to live up to. I have been in churches where it seems that Sunday mornings seemed to be a popularity contest rather than every single person comes in humbled and there to filled with the spirit of the Lord. Church is not a fashion show and a place to one up the person sitting in front of you.
I know I am not a perfect person and Ill be the first person to tell you of my faults and mistakes because there is no sense in lying about it, I live in a small town where everyone knows when you sneeze! But even if a few people don't it doesnt matter because God knows and you can't pull one over on Him and since He is the one I truly answer to anyway.
So its time to get real and know that just too much time is wasted in hiding our inperfections when every single one of us is not perfect. Some of us think of evil things, some spend money on wasteful things, we have moments were we lash out at those we love, we have addictions and downfalls.
And some of us chew our shoes.
Growing up my father was Mormon and as a child that is where I went to worship until my parents divorced. I was blessed as a infant in the Mormon church and I still have memories of it. I remember not being able to really understand what was being taught, but I remember having the bread and juice passed down the pews (wow snacks in church, yay!) and for some reason I can recall sitting in my Sunday school class and discovering I could stretch my foot to my mouth and chew on my black patient leather shoe. Why I remember that I have no idea.
After my parents divorced, my mom sent me to a traditional Southern Baptist church for awhile, but the kids were mean and I didnt like it. So I stopped going until I was an adult. It was in 1996 when I went back to a Southern Baptist church and was baptized into the faith on Easter Sunday of 1997 and I have been in church pretty much since then.
So today Jeff's sermon really hit on alot of things that I have seen over the years. One thing that has always boggled my mind is I had never in my life heard of churches "splitting" until I moved here. Its a concept that I just don't get the reasoning behind. If a church just doesn't work for a person or family anymore just gracefully depart and go elsewhere. This idea of congregations fighting and dividing seems so counterproductive.
Like Jeff said God and the Bible are the final authority in how we live our lives and how the church sets the standards that we need to all need to live up to. I have been in churches where it seems that Sunday mornings seemed to be a popularity contest rather than every single person comes in humbled and there to filled with the spirit of the Lord. Church is not a fashion show and a place to one up the person sitting in front of you.
I know I am not a perfect person and Ill be the first person to tell you of my faults and mistakes because there is no sense in lying about it, I live in a small town where everyone knows when you sneeze! But even if a few people don't it doesnt matter because God knows and you can't pull one over on Him and since He is the one I truly answer to anyway.
So its time to get real and know that just too much time is wasted in hiding our inperfections when every single one of us is not perfect. Some of us think of evil things, some spend money on wasteful things, we have moments were we lash out at those we love, we have addictions and downfalls.
And some of us chew our shoes.
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