Beyond frustrated

I wish i could post something fun, insightful, and cheery. But this is real life and sometimes you get the rose-colored glasses yanked off and you have to look straight at the dirty, nasty, smelly stuff that becomes part of our reality.

The last few weeks have been hard. Financially its been rough and doesnt look as if its going to get any better for awhile. The ex up and lost his job and now that means I have no idea when child support will be paid again, which hurts an already tight budget. He already owes me well over $1000.00 in back owed support and this will just add to that growing number. Yes, I have had to deal with this beautiful little problem more than once before but what really annoys me is that with at least the child support he was having some responsibility as a parent, but now that is gone too. We are talking about a man (and I use that term loosely for obvious reasons) who has very little if anything to do with his son. No phone calls, no letters, or emails, not a single birthday card in 10 years and only 1 Christmas gift that he got 3 months AFTER Christmas.

Needless to say this ticks me off in ways words cant even begin to describe. Then throw in after nearly 2 years Nathan FINALLY got him to finally pick up the phone when he called. A phone call that lasted not even 5 minutes. Classic.

So now I have a child who is feeling completly rejected by his own father, who is stuggling in school, who has family less than 45 minutes away and yet is rarely seen by any of them, and who is at this point is so painfully aware of what I have tried to shelter from him that he is asking for nothing for his birthday and Christmas, knowing that the people who should be there to celebrate with him can't be bothered to do so.

This is totally unfair to a child who loves unconditionally, who has a heart of gold, and just wants to be happy and have fun growing up. And I am just as broken hearted as he is, knowing that everything I planned for his life growing up has been taken away from him.

Strange happenings as I sleep

I have always been one who was fascinated by dreams and their possible "meanings" if that is even a real possibility... that our subconscious was trying to relay a message to us.

I remember as a child I was always having dreams about trying to run away from something, but as I began to run I suddenly had very short legs and my attempt to escape was nearly impossible because of it. I have read books and attempted to decyper the code of this particular kind of dream but tended to get various "answers" to the real meaning, if there is one. Over the years I have consulted many times a dreamers dictionary to get the defination of various dreams, only to be more entertained than truly informed.

Reoccuring dreams for the most part the ones that facinate me the most because its like my subconscious is really trying to tell me something. The one I have been having over and over again the last several months is one of me being either being pregnant or having a baby.

Now before any of you go jumping on the "OMG! Could you really be pregnant?" bandwagon, let me assure you with 1001% certanity that I am absolutly, completly, without a shred of doubt NOT PREGNANT at all! I know the birds and the bees story and I promise you that there is not a chance of that being the case.

So last night I have this dream that I am in the home where I grew up and I wake up one morning  having just managed to have a baby in my sleep (aparently in my dream I have the inhumanly high threshold of pain having slept through labor and delivery, something I can tell you could not happen for me in real life at all!) and just was like "wow, okay this is cool, my husband is going to be so excited that I just popped this thing out!" So I get up and go to take a shower when I realize this newborn is like the size of a 4 month old baby! So not only have I given birth in my sleep, but pushed out a kid the size of a turkey!

Apparently my subconscious also thinks I am SuperWoman.

Then my "husband" comes home (who was dressed in Army BDU's so am I married to Kendall, Chris, or Harvey in this dream?) and we start debating baby names, he wants to name her Isabella, I beg to name her Reneesme. You know dang well this just proves that my brain is Twilight saturated. We finally agree to call her Isabella Reneesme. Just because we are cool like that.

So I wake up and I am trying to figure out why am I have another baby dream? Why do they keep coming in these random ways? What is the deeper meaning to this kind of thing?

And if I am going to give birth to a Twilight character, then why gosh darn it isn't Jasper my husband in the dream?

10 Questions

1. What is your dream vacation?

A week in New Orleans, I wanted to go there so much while I was living in Louisiana, but unfortunatly I only saw it in passing as I was leaving the state to move here. Just to see the French Quarter, see the historical spots, eat the food would be awesome.

 

2. What has been your favorite trip so far in your life?

Going back home this past summer. I never really appreciated how amazing Washington is until I left. To be in Seattle, to be in the waters of the Puget Sound and the Pacific Ocean, and to have places to be yourself is such a treasure. While the mountains of western North Carolina are beautiful, it doesn't compare the the life I could have there.

 

3. If you and one of your best friends could go anywhere in the world for one week, where would it be and why?

I think Misty, Denise, Sabrina, Dawn, and whomever else we can get and lets just go lay on a beach somewhere with cabana MEN!

 

4. Have you ever booked a trip using an online deal? How did it go?

I did on my trip to Washington, got some good deals!

 

5. What’s your favorite thing to do while you’re on vacation?

Find historial places and learn that history.

 

6. Have you ever missed an opportunity to take a trip that you regret?

In high school I could have gone to Russia for 2 weeks and I so wanted to go, Dad said no. Probably thought I would be kidnapped and sold on the black market with a pair of Levi's.

 

7. You travel far away from home and get stranded with no way to buy anything, what’s the one thing you can’t live without?

Toothbrush!

 

8. What’s one of your favorite traveling memories?

All of the road trips with my dad. I swear we were the inspiration for the National Lamphoon Vacation because we always had some incident on the road.

 

9. All included resort or backpacking? Why?

All included resort, because I would love a spa day and because I am not a big fan of dirt.

 

10. Are you more of a lie on the beach kind of person on vacation, or do you prefer to see the sights?

I am a sucker for history, so let me find a tour guide.